Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Who Needs Real Trees Anyway!

Mother Butter! This is why I don't get real trees! #$(*)(#*$%(#

Last Friday we went on our annual tree hunt with the in-laws, except we don't usually get a real one, because I prefer fake. Well, Cade had to stay home and work, and I thought I would be all nice and get him a real tree (because he likes to complain about how I make him put up an ugly fake one). We get home, my BIL sets it near the side entrance to our house, and guess what? That's where it's sat ever since.

So today I chug down a Pepsi (to get some motivation, you know), and haul my butt out there to take care of it. First, since it's been sitting so long, I must chop the bottom off. Okay. So I started meandering around our yard/sheds looking for some tools that my husband doesn't seem to know how to put in their proper places (or maybe I just don't know where their proper places are -whatever). I find a rusty hand saw. Yep...I'm sure you can see where this is
going. So I literally saw the poop out of that sucker for at least 30 minutes. I got a good start at it, but my arm felt like it was going to detach from it's socket and fall off.   I headed over to our wood pile, and grab this huge monster ax. This thing comes up to my chest, it's so big, and it's HEAVY. I drag it over to the tree, and heft it over my shoulder (which I'm sure will be sore tomorrow from the seriously lack of previous use), and proceed to slam it down, occasionally being lucky enough to at least hit the bark. After about 8 times of this, I decided the rusty saw was good enough. I finally got that dang thing off, and drug that wretched tree in the house.

Gotta' say, the kids thought that me throwing that ax over my shoulder like a lumber jack was a good time.  I was just glad that I didn't accidentally chuck it like an Olympian throws a shot put, and hit one of them in the brains. 

THEN I tried to get the tree to stand up in the tree stand! Another reminder of why I prefer fake. The dang thing WILL NOT stay up straight. It's refusing to cooperate while I try to screw these flat headed screw knob things into the bark. Have you ever done this, people? Have you ever watched your husbands do this? Who can hold the tree perfectly erect, while screwing screws into it?!? If you know someone that can do it, you should give them a gold star! I finally got 3 of the screws in, but that last one, the last one was being a major pain in my butt.

About midway through the holding-the-tree-up/screwing-the-flat-screws-in scenario, Asher came in and said he would be glad to help me out, if only it would make me work faster in order that I might put the password into the computer for him to play it.  Despite his genuine desire to help me, him holding the trunk was not helping matters. 

I finally grabbed a couple of toys from nearby, jammed them down in the tree stand, rigging it to hold the tree upright until Cade gets home.

I give up. (Asher is happy as a clam, however, since I was then free to get him on the computer.)

Oh, and I have a flippin' blister on my thumb now.